I finally found “Ugly Cassie” on Facebook!

So, in 2000, Dickmeyer and I had Latin class together. There was a girl who sat in front of us. Dickmeyer spoke of her one day. I’ll imagine the conversation went something like this: “Bro’, I know this girl who looks just like your girlfriend….but she’s ugly.”

Wait, wait, wait. Cassie is good looking. But “Ugly Cassie” is ugly. How is it so?

It should be noted that if Cassie herself were in fact ugly, this girl would have just been her doppelganger. But Cassie is good looking. She was always kind of pissed off that there was an ugly version of herself walking around Kirksville. This raises a second issue; usually, when someone says that you look like someone else, you are almost always going to be disappointed. Maybe you have an overinflated sense of self, or your friends are just assholes. Case in point: someone tells me that I look like that dude from the Wonder Years. I angrily shout “No! I don’t look like him! He looks like a pussy!” I’m not sure what point I’m trying to prove here, but I don’t look like that dude damnit.

Anyway, Laura has wanted to see “UC” for the last 15 years.

OMFG: Laura, Laura...I did it! I found Ugly Cassie on Facebook! With very limited information it took hours, including looking through an old Truman State yearbook, but I found her!

L J: Message me. This is very important.

So I messaged Laura and gave her UC’s name. I felt a little bad about it. Sure, the old OMFG would have just posted Ugly Cassie’s pics on here. But I’m a different person now. Ugly Cassie looks very happy, and very successful, in her Facebook pictures. And she is not that ugly. At least that’s what I told myself. Dickmeyer was a total asshole for calling her ugly, right?

L J: How does that potato chin look like Cassie?

OMFG: You may be missing one of UC’s most salient features. She is ugly.

L J: But I don’t see Cassie.

OMFG: Dickmeyer and I sat behind her in class. She only looked like Cassie from the side. Then when you would see her head-on, you were like “whoa, she’s ugly.”

And that is the story of Ugly Cassie. Next time you tell a friend that you know someone that looks just like them, make sure you make it clear that your friend is way better looking.